Don't ever dare to care about me! I believe it. And then you fade away, leaving me even more lonely than I was before.

Today you made me encounter a rather new idea. Why was I lucky enough to have someone like you, while you do not have anyone like that? I am just not able to pay you back, sorry.

I get lost in the flow of time, forget to follow its track, do not find myself belonging anywhere. Suddenly my dreams turn out to be both naive and hopeless. They are not going to come true.
I'd like just to be able to see you. All these faces around are blurred. I cannot take them in.
To feel your warmth entangling me... To hear your voice... To hug you so tight that it would be almost discomfortable... I'm raving over it. Constantly.
Would it be better if you still were available?

Decision making

12/18/2010

 

Suddenly I realized that everything is up to me. I can do whatever I want, and in case somebody isn't okay with my choices, I can deal with it. There isn't anything really impossible in any of my wishes; my whole life is before me just to accomplish everything I'd like to manage to do. Any achievement can be gotten, any result can be obtained, any skill can be developed.
Such point works when you want something. The problem is, I can do with my current life conditions; it gets tough from time to time, anyway I am able to tolerate it. That is my strong point, to tolerate.
Suddenly I became aware of the fact that nobody is going to make me live. If I want to do something, I should do it without waiting for anyone's instruction. I am so used to obey that it is a tall order for me to take any decisions on my own. Real decisions, I mean.

It's a tough period in my life now.
Nevertheless I'm so grateful that I'm alive.

   Today I have created an account here. I still don't know whether I will really update it on a regular basis, anyway I suppose it's going to be interesting even if I do not update.
   Well, perhaps it's a good idea to start with some information about myself=) I am a student, a future mathematician I hope, named Anastasia, aged eighteen. I have never had a blog in English, and I am not an active commenter, that is why I do not know anyone here and do not have any idea how to get to know someone. A few years ago I wasn't so tied up with the lack of free time and this constant schedule, so I was a fan of Harry Potter, read lots of fics, wrote my own ones, and was able to make friends with some nice people in the Internet. Now, having entered the university, I abandoned reading  and virtual communicating almost at all, 'cause the study is really harsh, and my textbooks in maths are the only thing I am still capable of reading. That's not that thought I enjoy, you know.
   However I do my best to have an enjoyable life, and despite I am depressed and really gloomy sometimes, my friends and others know me as a funny girl with a fine sense of humor, and I'm extremely proud of myself for it.